September 5, 2014
Hope. It is one of the strongest emotions I have ever experienced next to love. Hope does something in us that makes something about the world around us change. Each time I encounter hope, she takes a different form. What a pleasant surprise it is to welcome her many ways on any given day. I like to be hopeful. Hope is a wonderful feeling. Even false hope. I would rather have hope that is false and be ok in those moments than always expect the worst and be on edge. Maybe because I had never experienced the worst and the disappointment never too terrible. Still, Why make yourself suffer for a long period of time when you can be at peace. Hope does that for me. Even when a storm is coming. Even when I may know a storm may be coming.
Hope can surprise you though, and in only a small moment, it can vanish as if it had never even been there. Yesterday, I struggled with hope. I prayed I could find hope. I prayed everything would be ok. That I could, at the very least, make some kind of positive impact. Even after the work we put in, the time we spend figuring things out and being present in the moment, it might not matter. It is those moments I have a hard time facing. That I am insignificant. That I am limited.
I long to make a difference. Even if I can’t make a difference in action, I hope I can make a difference in presence. When I am sick, my mom brings me juice or soup while I lay in bed all day. She sits beside me and keeps me company. She cannot cure me, but she tries anyway just to make things a little better. She is present with me. And it always makes all the difference. Sometimes Roxy will come into my room and jump up on my bed to lay beside me. She certainly has no power in curing me, nor can she bring me any soup or juice, but her simple presence and sweet kisses make all the difference. When there is nothing I can do to change a situation, I hope that I will at the very least be able to bring that kind of peace and comfort of companionship. That through my presence I can do something to make things a little better. I didn’t know there could be a moment where it wouldn’t matter. Where no matter my efforts, life would take it’s course.
Hope has taught me that there is much we may not understand. Much lying beneath the surface I cannot see. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try anyway. Just because life will go her own way doesn’t mean I should never try. Even when I feel insignificant and limited, I can not take away the fact that I have been changed. “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have always loved and lived by this prayer. Sometimes I do have to accept that I cannot make a change, but I can always change myself. I know now it is in the things I cannot change that God finds a way to humble and change me.
And even after my experience of feeling all hope is lost, I know it isn’t, and I still hope. Because I remember that it is in the times I feel most hopeless that it is those times I must call to God for assistance. That I must rely on Him and trust that He will find a way to work things out when I cannot. Maybe by working through someone else and maybe in some other way. But it is ok to feel limited. I am not made to be perfect. I am simply made to love and be loved in return. Hope has taught me to stay grounded in humility to do just that. And I hope she always will.